Watching her fall from grace

Mon, 30 Aug 2004 02:29:45 GMT

"Oh mississippi come and wash my pain away
oh mississippi come and take my pain away
i feel i'm drowning
i feel i'm drowning
i feel i'm dying."

____________________
I'm so fucking full of rage i think i might implode or explode or whatever

"I became a little doll
my voice became too small."

_______________________
it's all a big circle isn't it.
stuff it down stuff it down stuff it down
"walking dow the road to dead"

circles ring your eyes
these days are long and empty
pointless proding in the wrong direction.
It's cold in the middle of summer
locked behind the doors of your prison
You made it. the locks are on the iside
but your fingers can't will them to open anymore
prepare to evacuate soul
because it's tired of clinging to a dead shell.

Wed, 26 May 2004 10:20:03 GMT

How many times have i tried to update this today 3, 4, 10? The words won't spill. I am afraid of some unknown thing. My world seems to be crashing faster than usual. I don't know which direction to go. i'm petrified still of going home, yet i find myself unable to do a damn thing about it. which do i choose? How do i get it in my favour? Nothing's worked out before in myu life i don't see why this would...as much as i want it to. I need bloody hand holding i need someone to do it for me because i suck and can't figure it out. THe only ways i see are sure to lead me stateside faster than i can say woah.

work tomorrow....but at least we finally got the hotwater back and i got a shower today. not quit so scuzzy. Now if i could just bury myself in a hole say 6ft deep i'll be ok. Forget me because i'm forgetable. Drown me because i am not worth an effort. sink me before i take you under too.

Sat, 15 May 2004 14:03:23 GMT

wash her away...wash out her face...
she has checked out of herself
never here
never there
we are not listening
where
who are you?
what is your name
you can't answer...
what sent her away?
looking for a safety net
nothing's safe these days
nothing's safe

just another fucked up dream

Mon, 08 Mar 2004 22:12:37 GMT

i thought sleep would be lost once again but apparently i did sleep. I woke up sometime before sunrise, a tangle of sheets, sweating and feeling the lack of air to my lungs wanting to scream but not finding the voice. Another dream another panic. I can't find the words to describe it...not a flashback as far as detail but the pain was real the emotion was real. The details were off.